The 5 Core Tactics of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse can be hard to spot in our clients if we don’t know what to look for. Let’s discuss the 5 core tactics of narcissistically abusive partners and how they might show up in our work with our clients:

1) Love Bombing

Love Bombing is an overused word in today’s pop psychology zeitgeist. Let’s clear up what it is and isn't.  TRUE love bombing is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist overwhelms their partner with excessive displays of affection, attention, and gifts early in a relationship. While it’s true that showing affection, attention and giving gifts is totally normal during the interest and dating stages, true love bombing is used to gain control over another individual by creating a strong, “special” emotional bond that disappears once the relationship becomes more “serious” and is then reinstated after intense conflict and/or abusive behavior. This cycle makes it incredibly difficult for the non-narcissistic partner to recognize the cycle of abuse they are in because “when it’s good, it’s really good” and the abuser “always makes up for their bad behavior".

Key Characteristics of Love Bombing 

Excessive Affection:

• This includes constant compliments, declarations of being "soulmates", and saying "I love you" very early on. There is often an emphasis on the “specialness”, “uniqueness” and “intensity” of the relationship. This often re-emerges after abusive behavior to keep the non-narcissistic partner from leaving due to the “unique, special, and intense” nature of the relationship.
• Constant Attention:

• The narcissistic partner might demand constant communication, want to spend all their time with their partner, and become jealous of their other relationships.

• Lavish Gifts:

• The narcissistic partner might shower the non-narcissistic partner with expensive or extravagant gifts, creating a sense of “specialness” and obligation. This may re-emerge after abusive behavior to “make up” for bad behavior

• Rapid Relationship Progression:

• The narcissistic partner may push for quick commitment, wanting to move in together, get married, or make other major life decisions very early on in a relationship.

In contrast to limerence, new relationship energy, or even an anxious attachment style that might engage in some of these, remember true love bombing is strategic, intentional, and always has an ulterior motive or benefits the narcissist in some way. Once the narcissistic partner gets their “supply” or needs met, they become colder and more distant, critical, etc quickly. It is NOT just a strong connection or excessive niceness early on. It must be followed by a decline creating confusion in the relationship and will re-emerge as a tactic to keep a non-narcisistic partner close after abusive behavior or conflict.

2) Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse designed to make individuals question their own reality, memories, and perceptions. The goal of the gaslighter is to gain power and control over the other individual by making them feel “crazy” or “unstable” and unable to trust themselves. Gaslighting is often used to deflect responsibility from the narcissist’s actions, putting the blame on their partner instead of taking accountability for their own bad behavior.

It is important to note that in order to be considered true gaslighting, the partner must have trust in the person engaging in this tactic and it must be a repeated, pervasive behavior, not a one off.

Gaslighting strategies:

• Distorting Reality: Gaslighters will deny that certain events happened, even when there's clear evidence. They might twist or reinterpret past events to fit their own agenda.They will often lie and contradict themselves, creating confusion.
• Undermining Perception: Gaslighters will minimize their partner’s feelings by telling them that they are "crazy," "too sensitive," or "imagining things” and create confusion by telling their partner that their own memories and perceptions are “wrong”, “never happened” or are a result of their damaged mental capacity.
• Gaining Control: By making their partner doubt themselves, the gaslighter creates a circumstance where they make their partner dependent on them for “reality checks”. As their partner becomes less likely to trust their own judgment, the ability to control their actions becomes easier.

3) Projection 

Projection refers to a defense mechanism where a person attributes their own less-than-ideal thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to another person. Essentially, they project their own internal state onto someone else instead of taking accountability. This often looks like outright dishonesty. At the root of narcissistic behavior is low self worth, low self esteem, and shame. Projection is often an unconscious process and is a way for the mind to protect itself from uncomfortable or threatening feelings. In the case of narcissism, it is also a way to avoid taking accountability for harmful behavior.

When it comes to projection in narcissistic abuse, “accusations are admissions” They accuse their partner of doing something they’re actually doing in order to avoid responsibility

• Examples of this in our client’s may sound like: “My partner accuses me of cheating or flirting with other men and gets extremely angry when I engage with male friends or co-workers but he’s the one who had an affair last year…”

4) Rage Response

Narcissistic rage is an intense emotional reaction that is triggered when the narcissist perceives a threat to their inflated sense of self-importance or their sense of entitlement. This often occurs when their “narcissistic supply” is threatened or removed. A narcissistic rage response is not a typical anger or frustration. The reaction is far out of proportion to the perceived slight and results in actions such as: throwing things, breaking things, leaving, threatening self harm, days long silent treatment, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and playing the victim. 

Triggers:

• Perceived Criticism

This may sound like: 

Non-Narcissistic Partner:  “Oops there’s a stain on your shirt!” 

Narcissistic Partner: “Oh well I can just NEVER dress right for you can I? I’m just a slob I guess.” 

The intense response to a minor, seemingly helpful comment results in significant, disproportionate rage that often lasts for days and leaves the non-narcissistic partner confused and on edge. 

• Perceived Rejection

This may sound like:

Non-Narcissistic Partner: “Just a reminder that I’m going to dinner with my friend Amy on Friday”.

Narcissistic Partner: “Of course you are. You always prioritize your friends over me. I’m not even sure you’re meeting Amy. You’re probably meeting your co-worker Jeff who I know you have a thing for him”.

Narcissists have a low tolerance for perceived rejection. In this example, the narcissist uses emotional manipulation and accusations to make the non-narcissistic partner feel defensive and do what the narcissistic partner wants, which is to be them to be the only priority.

• Being held accountable

This may sound like:

Non-Narcissistic Partner: “I just wanted to let you know that it made me really unsupported when you didn’t attend my marathon this weekend.”

Narcissistic Partner: “What did you want me to do? Sit around all day in the heat so I could see you run by for 30 seconds? It’s not like you’re an olympian. You never care about my needs, it's always about you.”

Being held accountable is unmanageable for a narcissist. In this example the narcissist reacted with projection in order to avoid apologizing or taking accountability for hurting their partner. 

5) Control and Isolation

Control and isolation are tactics that work in tandem to create a situation where the partner of the narcissist becomes increasingly dependent on them and cut off from outside support.

Control Tactics:

• Micromanagement and dictating behavior: This can involve controlling finances, schedules, social interactions, and even personal choices like clothing or food.
• Possessiveness: The narcissist may exhibit excessive jealousy and possessiveness, viewing their partner as an extension of themselves.
• Emotional manipulation: This includes using guilt, shame, and fear to manipulate their partner’s emotions and behavior.
• Criticism in appearance
• Breaking down self esteem intentionally
• How you talk, present, interact with other
• Withholding: Withholding affection, communication, or financial resources to punish or control their partner.

Isolation Tactics:

• Cutting off support systems:The narcissist may try to isolate their partner from friends, family, and other support networks by:
• Speaking negatively about them.
• Creating conflicts or arguments.
• Making it difficult for their partner to see loved ones.
• Restricting access to resources:
• This can involve limiting access to transportation, communication devices, or financial resources.
• Creating dependency:
• By isolating their partner, the narcissist makes them increasingly dependent on them for emotional and practical support.

If you're noticing your clients experiencing more than one of these tactics and want to feel confident identifying and treating narcissistic abuse:

Explore my course for professionals on working with narcissistic abuse

Or reach out for 1:1 case consultation with me