Why Neutrality is Harmful in Therapy When Working with a Client in a Narcissistically Abusive Relationship
The idea of a “blank slate therapist” is more often than not taught in graduate schools as the gold standard approach to therapy. Therapists are trained to be neutral, unbiased, unopinionated, with flat, unemotional demeanors. We are told not to tell a client our opinions regarding their relationships and otherwise it may inhibit their ability to make decisions that are purely intrinsically motivated. I myself practiced this way for a long time thinking that in order to be a “good” or “effective” therapist, I must remain unemotional and non-reactive.
It wasn’t until I began working with women struggling with emotionally and narcissistically abusive relationships that I truly began to question the efficacy of this practice. In fact, contrary to what was so deeply ingrained in me throughout my 3 years of graduate education and subsequent internships and jobs, I began to see how antithetical the practice of blank slate therapy was to truly effective treatment when working with clients in emotionally and narcissistically abusive relationships.
Let’s talk about why blank slate therapy is a harmful practice when treating this population. If you’ve read my previous posts on identifying and understanding narcissistic abuse, you know that gaslighting is one of the 5 core abuse tactics used by narcissistically abusive partners. Major outcomes of ongoing gaslighting on the non-narcisstic partner include:
- A distortion of their own reality, no longer knowing what is “true” or “real” anymore which causes the non-narcissistic partner to begin to not trust their own perceptions and question their own memory- often relying heavily on the narcissistic partner’s narratives instead of their own experience.
- Negative self-talk and automatic negative thought patterns and beliefs about self that creates confusion about the emotional abuse they are experiencing. Common phrases heard in therapy when the non-narcisstic partner is discussing challenging interpersonal dynamics include: “I must be overreacting”, “I’m too sensitive/controlling/anxious/paranoid”, and “it’s really not as bad as I’m making it sound”. These thought patterns and beliefs make it difficult for the non-narcissistic partner to identify both the abuse they are experiencing and the true impact/extent of said abuse.
- Changes in the hippocampus (namely shrinking of this area) can occur as a result of repeated, ongoing gaslighting and emotional abuse. The hippocampus is responsible for our short-term memory and learning. Information is first stored in short-term memory before it can be converted to permanent memory. When this area of the brain shrinks or is damaged, it leads to memory distortion/not trusting oneself, and challenges in learning from past behavior and interactions which leads to repeated maladaptive coping as a result.
Given these outcomes, authentic reaction is essential in therapy when working with a client in a narcissistic relationship. Non-neutral responses allow our clients coping with narcissistically abusive relationships to start to reorient their sense of reality by receiving genuine, human emotional feedback to events, behaviors and circumstances. Not showing a client how painful, sad, shocking, scary, etc a situation they are describing with their partner is will only reinforce to the client that “things aren’t that bad” and they are “overreacting” if they are met with a fully neutral, non-reactive therapist. Without authentic reaction the therapist can inadvertently feed into the gaslighting the client is already experiencing.
Clients in narcissistically abusive relationships are also often isolated from their support systems as an abuse tactic. Even in rare situations where the client still has support, they seldom discuss their relationship in a negative way with those in their support system due to fear of “making their partner look bad” or concerns of retribution from their partner for not painting them in a positive light.
Narcissistic abuse is nuanced and complex. It can be extremely easy for therapists to accidentally play into the client's internalized gaslighting by not pushing up against their often minimized perceptions of the abuse they are experiencing. In combination with isolation, more often than not, the clinician is the only opportunity for the client to receive true, authentic feedback on their relational dynamics and serve as their client's “reality testing” until they are able to build up their own awareness and resilience.
To learn more about best practices when working with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse:
Explore my course for professionals on identifying and treating narcissistic abuse
